Magazine Kid

I’m back to work today after two days home with a cold.

Yesterday, I was minding my own business catching up on Judge Judy when the doorbell rang. I didn’t even know I had a doorbell, that’s how many times someone has actually rung it. So I went over and opened the door to reveal some teenager with a notebook.

He launched into a spiel about how he’s raising money for his school by selling magazine subscriptions. Not being an idiot and checking in daily with Snopes.com, I immediately recognized this as a scam. (Need proof? Check this out: http://www.travelingsalescrews.info/magazine%20scams%20and%20rip%20offs.html.)

But it’s my mission in life to talk to strangers so I felt a moral obligation to have a conversation with this kid. So I said, “Do you have ‘Guns & Ammo’?”

He said, “Let me check,” and he flipped through his notebook of poorly laminated sheets.

While he was checking, I explained, “‘Cause I have a lot of guns in my apartment and I really need to learn more about shooting and stuff.”

He said they didn’t have “Guns & Ammo.”

I said, “What about ‘Soldier of Fortune’? I’m kind of in between jobs right now and I heard there’s a lot of opportunities in the classifieds.”

He started checking.

At this point, I was pretty surprised he was buying my routine. But I guess he thought he was going to make a sale so he stuck with me.

“No ‘Soldier of Fortune.'”

I said, “Okay, what about ‘Big Game Hunter’?”

They didn’t have it.

I said, “Damn, what kind of shitty magazines do you have?”

He ran through a bunch of titles, normal stuff.

I said, “Anything snuff-related?”

He didn’t know what that meant.

I explained, “You know, like pictures of dead people. Real dead people, not like fake shit. Like snuff films. Come on, man, don’t tell me you don’t have any snuff magazines!”

At this point, I guess I went too far, because he looked at me and said, “Are you fucking with me?”

He looked kind of mad and I didn’t want this to get out of hand, so I said, “Special Agent Alonzo Mosely, FBI. Stay right there, I’m going to get my badge and my gun.” Then I shut the door on him.

I don’t know if he believed me or just got pissed that I wasted his time, but he didn’t stay put very long.

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One Response to Magazine Kid

  1. NoAmbition says:

    Excellent _Midnight Run_ reference.

    I get “buy subscriptions; help my school” soliciations in the mail frequently from friends’ kids, but I guess the mail bit is the difference. Good to know!

    Anyone scamming door to door deserves to be effed with; good job.

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